Anyone feeling like they don't belong

[Butthearmeout]

I am late 30s F and it goes like this for me personally.... I started masturbating at a very early age and already from my early teens I was pleasuring myself anally with little things like pens, brushes etc... I guess everyone has been there one way or another... my first anal experience was amazing because my hookup at the time was older and experienced... but it was only a hookup and never a relationship, so it didn't last long. Since my late teens till now (almost 20 years) I only found guys who weren't interested in anal at all, or presented themselves as some kind of anal master and then only wanted to dip their cocks in my ass without any consideration for my pleasure. I seriously enjoy anal, especially when I do it myself. I have an array of toys and dildos and the pleasure I get from it is immense. Imagine my surprise and happiness when I saw other people who love anal truly exist. I cannot talk to my girl friends or men friends about how I feel,everyone in my small backwards country think it's dirty or a sin, so I was very happy to see some of the people writing here. But as I stumbled in more and more topics I realised something... that many people here have intertwined anal and anal only lifestyle with submission (especially the submission of a woman), but thing is I am not submissive at all in real life... I am a proud feminist, I want equal rights for everyone, I don't care if people in movies are black,white, yellow or whatever, etc... I just love anal in bed and could see myself being in an anal only lifestyle without losing any of my everyday feisty personality... I get the feeling from this sub that this is not something that most men want here and has led me to believe that I would never find what I am looking for...
Are there any more people out there who are and think like me? Any gentleman who have no problem with a strong, independent, anal only woman? Any women here who are strong and independent and remain so even in an anal only relationship? I would seriously love to hear your opinions and feel like there are people like me out there.

[iancchastain]

I feel similar as a male that was definetly attracted to girls but the sight of the vulva just did not activate anything in me. However their buttholes looked incredibly sexy to me. I thought something was wrong for me because every other male my whole life was always talking about how amazing pussy is. To admit I was attracted to girl's buttholes instead of pussies would get me assumed as likely not straight. I did not know heterosexual anal was even a thing until I had access to the internet in my teens. This community made me feel like I wasn't the weirdest straight guy in the world.

As for the submissive part, I personally find it more thrilling when a woman is secure, proud and can enjoy a cock in the ass without any shame and do not care if others judge her for it. Some see the act as purely a domination act over someone submissive, but personally I do not find anal and submissiveness to be completely intertwined.

Edit: just to clarify, I am not offended by being perceived as gay, I only make it a point that other's could not reconcile the concept of a straight guy thats not into vaginal play. They just would write me off someone that will figure out he's gay later.

[aNewFrivolity]

The problem you're describing is a common one. As a man, I encounter it in all kinds of spaces dedicated to anal sex, but it also pops up when it comes to BDSM and (a bit less buttcentric) when people discuss polyamory.

There seems to be this often unchallenged idea that "being penetrated" = "submitting", followed by "being anally penetrated" = "submitting even more". I hate to be that guy, but I think it comes down to a strange mixture of toxic masculinity and ingrained misogyny. The one who penetrates has conquered, the one who is penetrated does so not out of their own free will (or even enjoyment!) but as a gesture of submission. Hence the whole "a man who likes receiving anal is gay"-thing, which adds homophobia on top of it, as well as men who enjoy it often being depicted / degraded as sissies, polamory being equated with cucking, etc ...

I don't agree with that at all. Naturally, any act of penetration *can* be one of submission (in a bdsm-centric lifestyle) but doesn't have to be, and is in no way intrinsically so. And for healthy bdsm-practices, all people involved realise they're playing roles, not actually enslaving people / being enslaved.

Encountering this kind of mindset is always a turn-off for me (as a male in his 30s). If I encountered a woman like you, I would be delighted!

[Backdoorlover]

I honestly don’t see where you get the idea all anal loving women are submissive.

My girlfriend has a dendency to act submissive while having sex, it’s part of giving in and putting her full trust in me. But she is - by far - not a submissive woman. You should see her when we have a fight

So tell me this, how do YOU see the perfect anal only man for you ?

[Butthearmeout]

I feel similar as a male that was definetly attracted to girls but the sight of the vulva just did not activate anything in me. However their buttholes looked incredibly sexy to me. I thought something was wrong for me because every other male my whole life was always talking about how amazing pussy is. To admit I was attracted to girl's buttholes instead of pussies would get me assumed as likely not straight. I did not know heterosexual anal was even a thing until I had access to the internet in my teens. This community made me feel like I wasn't the weirdest straight guy in the world.

As for the submissive part, I personally find it more thrilling when a woman is secure, proud and can enjoy a cock in the ass without any shame and do not care if others judge her for it. Some see the act as purely a domination act over someone submissive, but personally I do not find anal and submissiveness to be completely intertwined.

Edit: just to clarify, I am not offended by being perceived as gay, I only make it a point that other's could not reconcile the concept of a straight guy thats not into vaginal play. They just would write me off someone that will figure out he's gay later.

See that's the thing, I don't think there would be any shame in the fact if most people didn't have this mental image of anal being dirty or degrading. I think if people started to speak of anal sex (giving and receiving) as something normal, then it would not be such a taboo. That's why it bothers me also when I meet people (especially men) that say I like this idea of anal because it's forbidden or because I feel like I am in charge. Like, I just like taking it in the butt more than the vagina my dude there are no subliminal messages there about my submissiveness or whatever.

[Butthearmeout]

The problem you're describing is a common one. As a man, I encounter it in all kinds of spaces dedicated to anal sex, but it also pops up when it comes to BDSM and (a bit less buttcentric) when people discuss polyamory.

There seems to be this often unchallenged idea that "being penetrated" = "submitting", followed by "being anally penetrated" = "submitting even more". I hate to be that guy, but I think it comes down to a strange mixture of toxic masculinity and ingrained misogyny. The one who penetrates has conquered, the one who is penetrated does so not out of their own free will (or even enjoyment!) but as a gesture of submission. Hence the whole "a man who likes receiving anal is gay"-thing, which adds homophobia on top of it, as well as men who enjoy it often being depicted / degraded as sissies, polamory being equated with cucking, etc ...

I don't agree with that at all. Naturally, any act of penetration *can* be one of submission (in a bdsm-centric lifestyle) but doesn't have to be, and is in no way intrinsically so. And for healthy bdsm-practices, all people involved realise they're playing roles, not actually enslaving people / being enslaved.

Encountering this kind of mindset is always a turn-off for me (as a male in his 30s). If I encountered a woman like you, I would be delighted!

It definitely has to do with this submission mindset that the one who is penetrated has to be the weak one for sure. Especially for receiving straight guys, I think if I was a guy in my country I would never talk about it, not even with my friends I think. I am a woman and I don't anymore, because everyone is giving dirty looks or is surprised because I am a very strong minded individual and friends cannot accept that you can like anal in bed and be a Ceo in real life (for example).
I have a husband actually, love him very much but he is still not very receptive with the anal idea, but it has been getting better the last couple of years with toys, butt plugs and education on his part. We have been having problems with conceiving unfortunately, but once that's out of the way I would be very inclined to start leaning more to anal..we'll see then what his reaction is.

[Butthearmeout]

I honestly don’t see where you get the idea all anal loving women are submissive.

My girlfriend has a dendency to act submissive while having sex, it’s part of giving in and putting her full trust in me. But she is - by far - not a submissive woman. You should see her when we have a fight

So tell me this, how do YOU see the perfect anal only man for you ?

I think some posts overwhelmed me a little, because I found the forum only a couple days ago and I was literally going through many posts at once... I found quite a lot of men mostly who seek a anal only lady and many answers who were like "seek a submissive quiet traditional woman, they are the best" or "she will never let you in her ass if she is a feminist they are boring"... Also men and women saying if you like anal a part of you is submissive, you just have not let it out yet or you haven't accepted your true you.... Like why can't it just be that I am who I am in "real" life but anal only in bed because I just like it that way? Why does it have to mean anything else? I think it's one the reasons why many women are not so open to the idea of anal because they think they are going to be seen as weak or disrespected, the same with a straight guy who wants to live a receiving anal lifestyle.
As for my perfect I am married and actually quite happily. We talk about these things a lot and my first question after our first anal was if he thinks less of me and he doesn't... he is an amazing guy I just wish sometimes we would like anal more 🥹 at least he is now open to me having a dildo or butt plug when we are having vaginal sex, that's a start. And we try for a baby so an anal only is not an option for a moment, but in the future I would love for us to have a lot more... ideally every time we have sex and if he still wants VP then a little bit of that and then AP for the finish at least.
Theoretically if I wasn't with someone, then an anal only guy would be one who would take a lot of time with my butt and be patient and kind. Also doesn't confuse our sex life with our everyday life and expect stuff like I look sexy all the time everyday... this isn't how I roll there will be grandma panties days, fart days, sick days etc.

[iancchastain]

I think a lot of men's perceptions are skewed because its likely that the only women they have encountered that are interested in anal have a kink for being submissive. While I think an assertive woman that likes it in her butt is hot, I certainly have not encountered such a woman in real life.

Another reason is that frankly, a lot of feminist women denounce anal as disgusting and demeaning to women and that men are sick for even being remotely interested in it. This obviously does not apply to you, but that has been my experience whenever anal has been mentioned in feminist talking points.

Its going to be difficult to change this submissiveness perception of hetero anal activities because its formed by personal experiences. But just admitting you enjoy anal and are not submissive for it is a start for changing the narrative. If you can convince other feminist women that anal can be a healthy addition to an empowered woman's sex life (it certainly won't work coming from a man), then more men will be having the experiences to detangle receiving anal from submissiveness.

[Butthearmeout]

I think a lot of men's perceptions are skewed because its likely that the only women they have encountered that are interested in anal have a kink for being submissive. While I think an assertive woman that likes it in her butt is hot, I certainly have not encountered such a woman in real life.

Another reason is that frankly, a lot of feminist women denounce anal as disgusting and demeaning to women and that men are sick for even being remotely interested in it. This obviously does not apply to you, but that has been my experience whenever anal has been mentioned in feminist talking points.

Its going to be difficult to change this submissiveness perception of hetero anal activities because its formed by personal experiences. But just admitting you enjoy anal and are not submissive for it is a start for changing the narrative. If you can convince other feminist women that anal can be a healthy addition to an empowered woman's sex life (it certainly won't work coming from a man), then more men will be having the experiences to detangle receiving anal from submissiveness.

Actually feminism has nothing to do with sexual preferences, it has to do with women's equal rights like our right to vote, to work, to drive, to not be afraid and seen as equals in general... if you met women who would just not engage in a conversation with you then these are not feminists, are just people who like attention and just want to argue for the sake of argument... the real feminism is about liberation, unfortunately many women still want to bash people for their sexual preferences, but it's not because they believe in equal rights, it's just because they are not good people... just a little off topic footnote.
It's probably also an unpopular opinion on my part but, if you need to convince anyone about anything especially sexual acts, it's never going to end well... I knew I wanted to put something on my butt (and did) since I was a teen and it was a deep feeling.... I didn't even know what porn was back then,.but still wanted to try... but there are other acts I will never engage to and no one will convince me otherwise, even if that makes me boring other people never want to try anal and that's ok. If everyone tried everything even if they never wanted to, that would lead to resentment and distrust in a relationship. Another big reason why I think that when someone wants to be penetrated analy, people shouldn't just assume stuff about his/her personal life, the way it happens now mostly. I don't want my dates to think I am a submissive slut f.e because I want to have sex that way. I think that's why many women refrain to discuss such things even when they are interested in doing it.
Just live and let live without assumptions would be awesome, me thinks.

[iancchastain]

Actually feminism has nothing to do with sexual preferences, it has to do with women's equal rights like our right to vote, to work, to drive, to not be afraid and seen as equals in general... if you met women who would just not engage in a conversation with you then these are not feminists, are just people who like attention and just want to argue for the sake of argument... the real feminism is about liberation, unfortunately many women still want to bash people for their sexual preferences, but it's not because they believe in equal rights, it's just because they are not good people... just a little off topic footnote.
It's probably also an unpopular opinion on my part but, if you need to convince anyone about anything especially sexual acts, it's never going to end well...

To clarify, I mean convince them enjoying anal does not make them submissive, a shameful slut, or a bad feminist. I did not mean convince them to try anal, lol. An anal sex-positive feminist advocate could make a difference in a circle that overwhelmingly denounces hetero anal sex as a submissive if not abusive act againsts a woman.

Not saying hetero anal cannot be those things of course, but they are not necassarily hand-in-hand. Any form of sex can be demeaning or abusive. Anal gets villified the worst.